Apartment next to me

So I've got this neighbor. I've got several, but I've only got one next-door neighbor. And if you know who she is, would you please do me a favor? Would you ask her, "what's the deal?" She's a part-time hater. And from what I heard last night, she's a part-time slut. Maybe I wouldn't be so confused if I had actually met her. But I haven't. She, being my only neighbor, never welcomed me into the complex. I don't hold it against her, good walls make good neighbors, right? But what gets me is the writing on the wall. OK, not the wall but my door. I've gotten a couple of notes from her taped to my door. I know what you're thinking, I said she was a slut, she must be coming on to me.

Wrong. Dead wrong.

Here goes:

Your dog barks nearly the entire time that your are gone. Please do something else with it when you are unable to tell your dog to be more considerate.
Someone more considerate

Nice, right? That was the first one. Next, taped to my door, this:

PLEASE TAKE your dog when you leave. It barks NON-STOP the complete time (all night) your away.
Your Neighbor

Seriously, forget the fact the bitch knows nothing of contractions. Also note the use of capital letters, and underlined caps? C'mon. She's redundant, but still sincere. She's getting angrier. Another:

Your Fucking dog is keeping everyone awake. Next time you leave it alone and it barks all night, I'm going to let it out. Perhaps it will find a master that gives a shit.

Then my sincere, yet never present neighbor, was kind enough to download a letter from the Department of Business And Community Development Animal Control Division for Multnomah County Oregon. I won't bore you -- anymore -- with the details, but basically it said this:

Dear Pet Owner:

Your are receiving this letter because a neighbor [my only] is concerned about a barking dog at your residence...The law state "It is unlawful to permit any animal to unreasonably make disturbance..."'Saving Pets One At a Time'"

Wasn't she the one who threatened my dog? Breaking into my apartment and "Letting it out"? That doesn't sound like Saving. That to me sounds like Harming. If not the dog the herself. I'll admit that I had a problem with my dog, until I followed the advice of the downloaded letter -- five pages in all -- and bought a device. The Bark Controller.

Ah, yes. The Bark Controller, available at Petsmart ($24.95), works. It took time. But I know it works. It gives off a high pitched sound heard only to the dog when it barks. The dog learns and ceases to bark. It took a couple of tries with it but now I'm sold. And by tries I mean one more letter:

You have got to do something about your dog barking! I don't want to have to make a report to animal control, but I will if I have to.

I failed to mention that I'm home six nights a week. I go out about once a week. I guess I'm averaging just under a note a week. Not bad. Anyway, back to the slut. Yeah. I heard. I heard her getting taken last night and I wasn't sure if she was enjoying it, but it was definitely audible. Gross, I know, but true. So, do I write her a note. I don't, but if I did it would say:

You have got to do something about your panting, your moaning, your yelping self. You are keeping everyone (ME!) up all night.
Your not-so sincere-neighbor

No, it didn't last all night. I went to sleep after the five minutes her boyfriend put in. But still. Is it time to move?


The Real Barney said...

Is this for real? Me and my roommate were dieing laughing but I want to know if it really happened or if Carson is simply silly. Poor little Heidi Huff.

Anonymous said...

Better than real..

Does PetSmart have a device that will teach Heidi to burst through the wall and maul this crazy woman, perhaps in mid-coitus? Start ordering pizzas to her house, or better yet, give her the old flaming bag-o-dogshit on her doorstep a'la Billy Madison. Remember Norm MacDonald's line: "This is the best night of my life."