Leave room for others

Have you ever been with someone, then maybe been with them again? You were attracted to them and so you called them, kissed them (licked them), slept in the same bed as them. Then, maybe it happened again (or maybe you wished it had). Not necessarily the next night, week, or month. So there's this confusion over what it means. To them, to you. You try to say something nice. And the compliment you've crafted is created differently in their head. It's now an insult. You say, yes, there's an attraction, however, and it's this however, the but, that is the insult, and whatever comes crawling out of your mouth after that will mean so little. And the words have hurt and there is nothing that you can say because you are being argued against, not logic or sense, by emotion. This person you were attracted to has this emotion. This time it's anger. There's some sadness to it, too. You've heard this person cry before ("Those real tears?"). You've heard this person laugh at your jokes, your mannerisms, themselves. You've seen this person depressed, sad as shit. You've seen them confident, soaring, passionately explaining something. With the understanding that this person is a great person because this person has a wide range of emotions, you still tell them that they are not the one for you. And that, sorry, you just know this (you know but don't say you think of someone else, are thinking of them right now). And that you are not telling them that they are attractive so that you can sleep with them, but because you are attracted to all of them (maybe you've already slept with them and so why would that matter anyway?). You've waited too long to compliment them. They say to you that it's not a compliment anyway, that it means piss. And you get sad and satisfied at the same time because there is nothing that you can do (you've done too much at this point and still not enough), you've said your piece. So you wish them well, and wish things in life would be better, you take with you the good times ("You call those good?"), knowing they'll never happen with this person again.

Have you been there?

You have (You're think you're the only one?).

Or it could be very well possible that you've at least been in this not-so similar, but time-sensitive situation.

Have you ever been attracted to a friend? You know this person is your friend because you care about this person. You've gotten to know them, have told them about yourself, know about them (even some embarrassing shit). You are friendly with them before anything physical happens -- it never happens even though you've dreamed about your first kiss, it's recurring. They are your friend, but you think about them far too often for it to seem like just a friend. The thing is you've never taken the plunge. You've never acted upon the recurring dream because in the back of you mind you don't want to let your friend down. Don't want to ruin the friendship. Are unsure if the feelings are the exact same (how could they possibly be?). You know deep down they're not. But, still, you want to risk proving that they could be. Are fascinated with the chance. Are certainly unsure of the outcome. But instead of acting upon it, you don't. You do nothing because it's safe and you are sure safety is solo. You haven't had to make your move. You've closed the door behind you with a whew. There's no movement, you're still. And you're still here thinking about this person. You're still friends with this person and that seems important enough. Because you have some things to work out on on your own, you don't ask anyone to come on in for some juice. And on and on. You're keys depress the board as the thoughts roll out your head, but nothing has been said to anyone specifically, therefore, no feelings have been hurt (tickled) because you've used hypotheticals (that are bullshitcicles) and pronouns masking fictional figures, trying to explain something that you once tried to explain to someone that didn't get it.

Worse than this is this: You have a roommate who leaves town (congrats on your internship, by the way) and replaces in his room someone that's not him but has the same name. You're scared shitless about this prospect because you've seen this person kiss your other roommate, who you've suspected to be (gay) bi. This roommate returns from a (gay) golf trip and is so happy -- not to see you -- to see this subleter. You suspect that they slept in the same (bed) room, when you woke up to turn off the garage light (that someone left on all fucking night), noticed their two bikes are present but only one bedroom door is open. And you freak, not that you have something wrong with this (just not in my house), but that you feel duped, deceived, and disgusted. And you want nothing more than to leave the house to get away from (them) your thoughts. And, ouch, you've got another month to put up with (what the hell is this?) this.

Ever been here? Someone's got some 'splaining to do.

1 comment :

sgehrke said...

Potential or kinetic. Potential becomes kinetic, but not without a start, a simple inquiry, a first kiss. A writer is always looking for the story, in hopes of creating his own. A consideration towards creating a story for others to tell...share, may be in order for the writer. Autobiography. Roommate love? Sometimes I find effectiveness in direct conflict or group belittlement when I find situations of such. Just realize great friends don't look to create uncomfort for great friends. Take care buddy, all is well.