my gift to you

And so it seems that some things I write won't get published for the weekly paper I'm working for. Little space. No room for my insane stuff. So--my gift to you-- the goods are all yours. I'm happy to share, the hard work I'm not getting paid to write for you or anyone. Tear it apart like ten-year olds on Christmas opening gifts they don't deserve. Love you.

There are tree lovers, huggers, and anti-tree toppers --in Oregon we love
our evergreens. We’ll chop them, hock them, sit atop them. We'll prop them up in
our homes. But holly forbid we agree on a name to call them.
The tree is on our cars’ plates—does that make us Christmas people? We
send more trees out of state this time of year than any other state. We
should really own Tree, register a trademark, dot com it--If it's not too late.

This year holiday stole the tree from us, and from Christmas. Holiday took the tree from Christmas, which stole it from Solstice, which was invented before Christ
was around to insist we celebrate. Now, there’s just a holiday season--the
holiday tree shades more of us.

A drunk Portlander was recently arrested for reselling trees he stole, but it’s the
tree that stole the my Christmas time attention. Wait a miracle,
has the Christmas tree dried out? Are we dropping Christmas from Christmas
holiday? Or are just the trees falling?

"Rev." Jerry Falwell heckled Boston’s mayor for calling its tree a holiday tree,
but does he own Christmas? Do Christians or capitalists?—not to be
confused with those on Capitol Hill who argued the name of the tree in
D.C. –now there are two, a Christmas and a holiday tree.

For most—85 percent of the U.S. population is Christian-- the tree is the
gathering spot for consumer celebration on Christmas Day, this year Dec.
25. It’s the Christmas tree – there aren’t holiday menorahs, or Christmas
menorahs for that matter—that’s a staple living room or city square decoration. It was a Christmas tree that Charlie Brown bought and gave meaning to, and a trip
to the Christmas tree lot on A Christmas Story, where we first learned the
word fuuuuudge. So why does it seem that this year, more than any other,
there is a drive to steal Christmas and give it the holiday name?
Well, retailers don’t want to offend; politicians want to maintain constituency.
I suggest Adam Sandler's name for the once-living, add sugar to your stand’s water, foliage that we light up--and gather around: marajuanic-ah.

Enjoy your holiday.